Peer pressure fuels beard-off

I've done some pretty bold things in my life because of pride. More specifically, peer pressure. Peer pressure has been the driving force behind most of the stupid decisions I've made during my short time on this planet. Peer pressure was with me in third grade when Josh Davis dared me to eat a glue stick and again in high school when I took a bite out of a stick of deodorant for $5. Along with making me sick, earning me poor attendance in class and even getting me in trouble with the law a time or two, peer pressure has put me in some interesting situations.

My newest peer pressure-fueled undertaking (just like the rest) has my face a little red and my reputation a little at stake.

I'm in a beard-off.

To quote Voltaire, "Ideas are like beards; men do not have them until they grow up." I'm not sure if I'm grown up by Voltaire's standards, but I did have an idea to grow a beard so that has to count for something.

It all started the week before Spring Break when I was feeling a little lazier than usual and just didn't shave for five days. A few days later at work I joked with one of my co-workers that everyone at work should have a competition to see who can grow the thickest beard. After a little peer pressure and name-calling everyone decided to join in, and seeing that everyone at my place of employment has exactly one X and one Y chromosome, it didn't seem like too bad of an idea.

The rules are simple, grooming is acceptable on the neck region, but clippers aren't aloud. The thickest and best looking beards will win. The prize? One sweet-ass face sweater and more man points than one could possibly ask for.

Since accepting this mission of lumberjack proportions, I have come to realize several things. A: Growing a beard presents challenges. B: There are different types of beards And C: Some people (possibly including myself) should never venture outside the realm of beardlessness.

The early stages of beard-growing, like any other beginning process, isn't pretty.

After the five-o'-clock shadow stage, the grower's face will begin to look ragged and unkempt, much like that of a homeless person. This process will last for about a week and then the real cultivation can begin.

It's important to know that not all men can grow beards, but after two weeks or so without shaving, any man will have at the very least what I refer to as a "neard" or a near-beard. The neard is like a beard, but thinner and scruffier.

If this is you, it's OK. It doesn't mean you're a bad person; it just means your face isn't awesome enough to have a beard yet. Maybe you could try watching re-runs of Walker Texas Ranger and let your face get acclimated to thelook you're going for.

Remember, Grizzly Adams was once just a cub himself once.

The next stage of beard-growing can be painful, embarrassing and uncomfortable. It's like having puberty happen on your face. In this stage the beard becomes thicker, and the hairs become stronger.

You may encounter some painful setbacks as you may be tempted to shave when you touch the stiff hair above your lip and feel a little discomfort and itching all around.

You may even experience some in-grown facial hair. This period is equivalent in discomfort to the female period, so I have deemed it the "beariod."

After you make it past the beariod stage, the hairs become longer and more relaxed and therefore more comfortable. This is a critical stage that will test the boundaries of your will. For some time, two-to-three days minimum, you're going to look terrible.

You're going to look more like Joaquin Phoenix circa 2009 than, say, Sean Connery.

But with a little patience you can style your beard into whatever style you desire.

Some beard types to steer clear of: The Pedaphacial: Anything that makes you look like you could be on "To Catch a Predator."

When you look in the mirror you may want to ask yourself, "Would a child be frightened by me?" And if you answer yes, go for a different look.

The Crustache: The crustache is basically just a crusty, mangy looking patch of hair above your lip with no hair bridging your mustache to your goatee. If you have one of these, I'm sorry.

The D-beard: The D-beard is a beard typically worn by D-bags. It is characterized by pencil thin hair leading to the chin. The D-beard is often accompanied by a sideways-cocked hat, Chinese character tattoos and a false sense of achievement.

The Shakesbeard: The Shakesbeard is a rendition of what you would see in a sketch of William Shakespeare. If you can grow one of these, then you sir, are a badass.

Unfortunately you will look like a tool, so it's best not to wear it in public.

These are only a few examples. Acceptable forms of facial hair include chops, sideburns, soul patches and basically most beards that doesn't look too over-the-top or out of place.

As of now I've been going two-and-a-half weeks without shaving my face and I have the rest of the semester to go.

It can be difficult, but I feel like quitting or giving up would be very un-beard-like, so I think I'll stick it out.

I've realized that not everyone should have a beard, and had it not been for a stubborn refusal to back down from peer pressure I wouldn't have one now. Some people just pull it off, but right now I feel like I have the sex appeal of a nursing home flood.

Despite looking like the bastard love child of Billy Mays and Hell Boy, I haven't found myself gridlocked in any inner conflict to wear flannel, become wise beyond my years or rev up a chainsaw so that's good.

For now, I think I'll just try to win the beard-off and keep in mind that at the end of the day, you have to wear the beard; you can'tlet the beard wear you.