Crack in a can

Cocaine is now available from retailers nationwide in three great flavors: Original Cocaine, Cut Cocaine and Free Cocaine.For those of you counting the days until America gets shot down, don't panic; Cocaine is an energy drink produced by Redux Beverages.

But I think my point is quite clear. America at large is addicted to caffeine, and it takes more and more to fuel the addiction. At the rate we're going, soda may earn a reputation as a gateway drug.

Once, coffee and cigarettes were the way of the world. Of course, if you saw the number of smokers on a college campus or counted the Starbucks in a large city, you might still see the world that way, but there are more alternatives now.

Mountain Dew, at 4.67 mg of caffeine per fl oz., used to be more than enough to get kids good and riled up for a day of tormenting mom.

Now mom was probably drinking coffee. At seven to 16 mg/fl oz., she had the kids beat by quite a bit. Still, it was a task to keep up with them.

Before the energy drink craze I discovered Jolt soda. Jolt had 5.96 mg/fl oz, trumping Mountain Dew as the best drink to get you wired up.

Couple a Jolt with a candy bar at the gas station in the morning and school finally seemed interesting.

That's where I stopped. Jolt was the end. After that I kicked the habit - just in time for the slippery slope to get steep.

Red Bull burst onto the scene in the late '90s. At 9.64 mg/fl oz, Red Bull packed more caffeine than any popular drink before. Though it has been surpassed in caffeine content now, it is still a popular beverage, especially among drunks.

Who thought drunks needed extra energy? It's beyond me, but that's a rant for another day.

Among energy drinks, Red Bull's caffeine content is about average. On the high end, Five Hour Energy contains 40 mg/fl oz. You didn't read that incorrectly. 40 milligrams. That's 10 times the concentration of Red Bull.

Now, Five Hour Energy is a 2 oz. shot. You get 80 mg of caffeine in a serving, which is the same as a can of Red Bull.

Cocaine energy drink, however, takes the cake boasting 3.5 times the caffeine of Red Bull. It has 33.14 mg/fl oz, and a serving pumps 280 mg of caffeine into your body. That's the equivalent of a 12-pack of Coke, five cans of Mountain Dew, four cans of Vault or three and a half cans of Red Bull.

And it doesn't stop there. You can buy caffeine pills, caffeine gum, caffeine candy bars and even caffeine lollipops.

Caffeine makes everything better. These products are all just stepping-stones. The next step is clearly crack in a can.

But what do I know? I'm just a college student.

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