Much like the orcs of Middle Earth, Eastern Kentucky University has gruesome human-like creatures that roam within its borders. These trolls, unlike those found on the Internet, must not be fed at all costs.

The trolls are everywhere—and if you haven’t noticed and unlike other legions of unsavory characters, the trolls are diverse.

You must not feed the trolls no matter what. Moreover, you must not feed them because they know not what they do and many of the trolls aren’t even aware they are trolls.

There are the obvious trolls, whose orange November skin and unearthly blonde hair clearly don’t need our nourishment. This troll is close kin to salmon-short sporting, red-framed bespectacled troll, which hails from the fratio everyone knows not to feed.

No these trolls are a different breed. Cunning in their conspiring, loathsome for their laziness and angry with their associations—these trolls often cause calamity and skew the balance of the university. Two types of trolls are particularly important to watch for, as they come in many forms.

One particular type of troll aged and seasoned in its ways will lumber through the hallways at a snail’s pace. When students try and stop it to ask why grades haven’t been posted online, it always seems to be busy…although its immediate route is currently to the nearest coffee pot.

In the beginning of the semester, it may show up timely and prepared for class, but as the semester takes its toll, it morphs into something more evil. It is constantly late, beginning to forget to make copies of handouts or canceling class so he can watch golf or the Colonels in the NCAA Tournament. Its lack of concern for his students is obvious, but he somehow, prior to joining the ranks of the troll, it managed to achieve tenure, so there’s no getting rid of it. The students are left to fend for themselves by midterm– the result is hatred heard ‘round the world.’

Trolls like our old kind can be found outside of the classroom. This troll may angrily hoard the rough, coarse wiping paper from university facilities or it may devote its time to telling stories, scaring lawmakers and graduates into giving up money and relentless selfies with Eastern’s finest in an attempt to capture human souls and turn them troll. It is a cagey species you cannot escape.

Alas, the old troll species knows its time is short and has recruited young trolls in its tutelage. This training troll is a passive manipulator. Always forgetting class and assignments, it has an excuse for every occasion… and the unwitting instructors take pity, falling for the facade or too uncaring to take proper disciplinary action, this troll’s professor lets the young troll have its way.

It never is counted for absences and somehow it managed to make up that midterm two weeks after spring break. Its peers see through this troll’s thick skin and wish to stop the growing creature from mutating into the older troll. However an amazing lack of self-awareness, personal pity and perpetual state of YOLO doom this troll to enter into the vicious university troll cycle after matriculating, several years trolling in the public sector and an epiphany that it wishes to perpetuate the way of the troll at the university level.

The young troll is far more diverse than the old troll as university life dictates. Rather than get slogged down with a full time troll, these young trolls can experience all Eastern has to offer. The classroom version of this troll may snuggle up with the old troll, looking to brown nose its way through school or it can show up late to every scheduled class, meeting or timed function. It can be a complaining troll that finds something wrong with everything on campus or it can be a non-traditional troll who thinks it knows more than the old trolls that choose to spread the way of the troll.

In any case, do not feed any of these trolls for the consequences are deadly. Not only do you risk disturbing the balance of the ecosystem, you risk turning the university into a den of the depraved creatures, ruining the hard work of Daniel Boone, Keen Johnson and our favorite naked statue.

If you search hard enough, you may find trolls in the Combs Building, deep within the dens of the student newspaper, but those trolls may be the most dangerous of them all. Lo, these trolls are armed with pens, paper, and word processors, an amazing sense of self-importance and a vitriol for the rest of the university that is unparalleled to any group, even Eastern’s most ardent rivals. Worse than that, they rear their ugly heads every week to proclaim the worst of the news, attacking the other trolls and leaving nothing unscathed.

According to lore these trolls are the worst near the first of April.