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(Editor’s Note: This letter to the editor is in response to Mary Barczak’s My Turn “Experiences highlight formula on dealing with ‘boys’, ‘bros'” in the Sept. 8, 2011, issue.)

Dear Editor,

According to you, this guy made you feel neglected. According to him, you were just way too needy and demanding. Emotional luggage should not be taken out on the 5 Bs, aka the “Bro Code.” The definition of a formula is any fixed or conventional method for doing something. All your article could do was explain your perception of the code with a sarcastic tone. Then you proceed to malevolently attack and denounce the sanctity of the Bro Code. Any sort of formulated procedure was not apparent. Therefore, I cry with an outrage, this injustice was uncalled for. People have sued for less than that. The Bro Code is a sacred code that should not be blasphemed all over an honorable news source. Unbeknownst to many, it is one of EKU’s unwritten cardinal sins. Let me preach to you the beautiful nature of the Bro Code.

Beer: It was given to us by the wonderful party gods. Beer is the social medicine that provides and nurtures the gathering environment for Bros. It does not “forge a sense of camaraderie,” but it fuels the soul to emanate with social explosion. From there, the wheels are set in motion to provide many pleasurably intoxicating adventures and stories. Oh, and the general Bro consensus has just come in. Data: 100-percent chance that Bros will be picking beer over you.

Bong: Never speak ill of the bong. The bong is the fragrant incense of life. The body is a temple, and burning religious incense is good for the Bro soul. If it bothered you, why did you date him? People don’t need to change for you. You don’t need to change for anyone else. The bong is a lifestyle. If you can’t respect him for who he is, how do you expect for him to return that favor? Respect is something you earn, not expect. This bit of philosophy is taught through the bong method. Try it sometime. You might live a little.

Beautiful Babes: Here’s where you made an error. Not every single bro is assumed to be “bangin’ babes.” To correct you, it’s beautiful babes. You’re a college student. Think back to your science classes. “You and me, baby, are nothin’ but mammals,” so let’s do it like rabbits. We, as a human species, are born with the natural instinct to procreate. If a Bro sees a beautiful babe, it’s instinct. We’re born with it. A true, enlightened one will realize that it may be in the Bro’s mind, but it’s the individual who decides what course of action is taken. Speak not ill of the religion, but the choice an individual makes.

Bod: There is no better way of increasing spirituality by the art of bod. The art of bod is taking care of the body with strenuous exercise, which in turn increases longevity and overall general health. Also, it provides aesthetic results that increase confidence and self esteem. This works wonders for the mental health. This makes the practitioner of the art of bod that much more close with being one with the self and snagging a beautiful babe. If this is not believable to you, the class “Health Across the Lifespan” is an excellent, reputable source. From the looks of it, you could benefit from this practice.

Bros: This is the ultimate bond that happens when the beer is shared, the bong is lit, beautiful babes are talked about and the bod stage is pursued together. This is when close friendships become apparent. Amazing experiences and epic sagas are shared, formulating the Brohood. After utilizing the beer method, the initial “friend” is formed. After deep bonding using the bong method, your Pokemon will evolve to a Bro-mon. The motto that is then shared is “Bros before hoes.” For non-believers, this statement is often scoffed at. The true, enlightened one will realize that Bros will always be after hoes, but will always respect the bro-ette. It takes time and effort to reach this stage, but it is achievable. A Bro-ette is an outgoing girl who respects and partakes in the Bro’s choice of religion. Therefore, she achieves status as being one of the guys. The only loophole is the beautiful babe principle, which states that if a beautiful babe is smokin’ hot or drooling, dropping-jaw gorgeous, there is a mutual, automatic “understanding,” and she is awarded with the Bro-ette status.

How long did it take you to write your thoughts out on this subject matter? It took me 10 minutes of my precious time using the bong method. I am currently chilling with my Bros, taking shots of Burnett’s Vodka and using the beer method, living life and having companionship that you may not ever be introduced to. Open your mind. Think outside the box. Help yourself by realizing that you need to find love through common interests and a like mentality. Love is sacred. Love is patient and kind. If you cannot accept that it’s an individual’s prerogative to do what makes him happy, then you will never ever find love. I don’t despise you for what you wrote. I feel sorry that your thought processes are contained in one little box that will never see true life. I hope you are smart enough to realize that the Bro Code is more so a metaphor for a certain personality trait. Find someone that fits you like a glove and don’t denounce everything about that individual. That makes you look like a pretentious and scorned girl who wants to take it out on everyone.

Your ultimate mistake was to date someone in the religion of the Bro Code. Next time, date someone who believes in the art of Tiddlywinks. You two might just go the distance.

From,

William Mar, student