By Tyler Gilliam

As a resident of the generally peaceful Midwest, I don’t usually worry about disaster. Well, except for that whole Bluegrass Army Depot thing. When I heard Gustav was approaching the Gulf Coast and saw the preparations that New Orleans had made for its arrival, I immediately began to fear the new waves of Swedish terrorists attacking the United States.

Gustav has already stormed through the Caribbean and, as of August 31, claimed the lives of 88 people.

It seems biological warfare is a thing of the past as Gustav manipulates the weather, bashing cities with crippling winds and heavy rain. This group works almost like a huge storm of some sort.

Oops. I just read on Wikipedia, the only source of real truth on the Internet, that Gustav is a hurricane. That’s right-no terrorists, just terrifying weather that happens every year to the same people in the same place.

I’m going to be very blunt here. If you live in Louisiana, move. It’s simple, really. Rather than rebuild your house every year, just move somewhere above sea level.

I know you live on the same property as your great-great-grand pappy, but if he’d had a car, he would have moved too. I’m sure New Orleans is nice, but there are lots of great cities in this country that don’t flood twice a year. Some people won’t budge even for a hurricane, and I could even understand sitting through Katrina.

She didn’t sound scary at all. I went to high school with Katrina; she was quiet and nice and never really caused much trouble.

But the hurricane wasn’t as nice as the girl I knew-it wiped out the southeastern part of the U.S.

Katrina got scary, but based on names Gustav is way scarier. Can you really ignore a name like Gustav, really?

I know storms are bad, but a name like that hits on every American’s greatest fear: foreigners. Naming a hurricane that is hitting this part of the world a name that most Americans can’t even pronounce is just icing on top of a big waterlogged cake.

Where does this naming system even come from, anyway? In 1951, the United States adopted a storm-naming system that names hurricane and other storms alphabetically.

Every letter is used except for Q, U, X, Y, and Z. Apparently there aren’t enough names for those letters. Sorry Quinton, Uma, Xena, Yolanda, and Zach.

And I guess there weren’t enough “G” names either. I would just name them all George. Hurricane George: the lean, mean, house-sinking machine.