By Joe Montgomery

We all find ourselves in a predicament when we are leaving the Powell building after a big meal. Or maybe we just drank a Vault or a liter of iced tea while in class and Karma is dishing out consequences. Cause and effect will eventually bring you to use one of the bathroom facilities on Eastern’s campus. But how do you tell which of the facilities to beware of, and which ones are deserving of the gift you have to give?

When someone mentions the Powell building, most will associate “food” with the name. But after being in one of the Powell restrooms, the last thing you will want to associate it with is your lunch.

Entering the Powell restroom, I could instantly see that they weren’t trying to win a decorating competition on a room makeover show. The combination of yellowish tile and bland fixtures wasn’t making my experience any easier on the eyes, and these bathrooms lacked modern technology,like automatic dispensers and sensors, to cut back on the spread of germs. The bathrooms are also poorly located.

If I hadn’t used these restrooms before, I would have been lost trying to find them. But my biggest beef with Powell was the lack of any bathroom at all on the top floor. If students find the urge while eating on the third floor, they are forced to leave their meal and walk downstairs, which is a long time to be away from a hot meal. Overall, the Powell building bathrooms rate near the middle of the list among best and worst bathrooms.

Sliding quickly down the list toward the worst is the Wallace building. These restrooms are beaten and battered from the traffic of students rushing to and from class. Privacy is non-existent, and just from the looks of it, so is cleanliness.

Some of us might not even notice the hygiene in Wallace bathrooms because when we’re there, we find ourselves running in and doing business in a hurry.

But take the time to look and you will see between the unattractive yellow tiling a fine line of dirt tracing the crevices of every inch of the bathroom. These restrooms are the busiest on campus and have been updated a miniscule amount since they were built, other than an electric paper dispenser on the wall. I think it is time for the Colonel to do some renovating.

Case Annex hasn’t seen so much as a single screwdriver in renovation for years. The gaudy aqua-blue tile accompanied with light fixtures that put out a monotonous buzz looked to be from the fifties and made for an experience like walking onto the movie set of Saw.

In the bathroom, located at the front entrance, the only things that weren’t 50 years old were the electric paper dispenser and the soap (the toilet paper was questionable). But if you walk deeper into the belly of Case, you find bathrooms that were once the dormitory shower rooms.

These too had the blue tile and electrical fixtures, but they were also large, empty and cold. Abandoned showers sit unused in cave-like corners of the room.

I felt like I was doing my business in a tomb, and the surreal, hollow quiet made me feel violated by the emptiness.

My final choice for the absolute worst bathroom on campus does not spare any mercy on its visitors.

The Weaver gym lays claim to a bathroom experience that couldn’t get any worse if you used an outhouse.

The first noticeable discomfort is a surging burst of hot, humid air instantly bringing the temperature of the room up at least 30 degrees. The hot air lifting off that pool funnels into the locker room, making for an atmosphere that is nothing short of miserable.

Everything in the bathroom section of the locker room leaked, but the most unacceptable tragedy was that each and every stall door could not lock shut, and one of the stall doors was a piece of plywood drilled into the wall.

So, even if you absolutely had to sit on the less-than-savory toilets, you couldn’t squat, confident that someone will come barging through the stall door. Everything inside this bathroom was crumbling from neglect. My advice to you is stay away.

Although most of the bathrooms on campus present a frightening demeanor in your moment of urgency, do not fear, because there is hope in the library.

The bathrooms located on either side of the staircase on each level of the library are by far the best bathrooms on campus. They are found in a convenient location that is reasonably accessible from most classrooms, and it doesn’t take any time to dash in and run out with time left over to get to class. All of the fixtures are equipped with motion sensors that provide a more sanitary area, and the facility is kept clean by the faculty. The first floor bathrooms tend to get a lot of visitors, so if you want to avoid this problem, just go upstairs. The further up you go, the more private the bathrooms become. But if this doesn’t satisfy your fancy for solitude, just head straight back through the grand reading room to the elevator, take it up to the fourth floor and head for the bathrooms that are located on either side of the elevator. These bathrooms are seldom used because there is a total of only four people on the entire fourth floor at one time.

As it stands, our options for comfortable pit stops are limited, but if nature is knocking on the back door, you now know the buildings to avoid and the ones to make a dash toward.