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Aries (March 21-April 20): You are genetically unique. Your body produces an enzyme that causes the flu virus to disintegrate on contact. That means at least six pharmaceutical companies are trying to capture you and boil you down to extract your enzymatic essence. I’m so sorry. Taurus (April 21-May 21): You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have major influence on your friends, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence but are still a general bad ass.

Gemini (May 22-June 21): You must have been very good this year, twinsy! You will switch friends and lovers at least 50 times this month. It should be loads of fun.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): This month doesn’t look good for you. Have you ever considered switching to a Libra?
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Be prepared for embarrassment. Remember that Economics 101 paper you’ve been thinking about buying to save some time? Well, your professor is also an entrepreneur. Use a fake name.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 23): While cramming for a quantum physics final, your head will implode.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23): What’s with the scale? Do you sell pot or something?

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22): Today you will find a note, folded into quarters and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone who the note’s author wants to engage in “snuggle bunnies” with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21): Hide the entire month except for your birthday. You will have great joy on your special day. Boom, chicka, boom boom.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 20): Happy Birthday! You are definitely Santa’s baby this month. You will receive everything on your wish list, plus a few more items that you never expected from your significant other. Unfortunately you will get in a huge fight with that person, and they will take your gift back, then you will have some hankie-pankie with their best friend (Sorry. The whole entire month can’t be that great).

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Because it will bring you a long, healthy and fabulous life, you will empty all of your bank accounts and send every penny you own to the author of the first horoscope you read today.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): You have no future, but with lots of effort and hard work, good fortune will change your future next month. Don’t give up.